On most days, I have a "get through it" mentality. I count off the task of my day in hours. Despite my future-oriented nature, I'm paradoxically amazed by how quickly time passes. I have a concern for "getting through" the very hours I should recognize as my life.
Especially on the days I teach, the clock is simply a wheel of 50 minute increments. I can create and attend to a to-do list only when I'm not in class. For some reason, my very schedule seems to prevent me from accomplishing a lot of work. I aim to just "get through" one thing so that I can (with keen hopes) "get through" another, all in the name of productivity and virtue.
Thank you, my Protestant past.
For the past few years, I have not been consistently "living." I have been "getting through." I survive pretty damn well, but I do not think I always come close to what many would call living. I think survival and perseverance seem to suggest an underlying dread. Living should suggest enjoyment, clarity, diligence or focus, and present-mindedness.
I would like to live, even if that means I don't perform my best. I would like to live, even if that means someone thinks me irresponsible or too emotional or even unprofessional. I would like to live because, at the end of it all, I don't want be left with one thought: "Well, at least I got through it."
To be tuned to the present means that we must release some of our desperate need for survival. For those of us who must bear grief, or desires, or heavy workloads, or intense addictions, or extreme loves.....we cling to survival as "what we do."
We aren't called to survive or "get through" but to live.
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Sunday, February 2, 2014
There's always another Day One....
I've been teaching for 17 years. I started as a high school English teacher, and then I moved on to "part"-time teaching while I completed Masters and doctoral degrees. I've now held my job as an English prof at a small college for nearly six years.
Seventeen years really isn't very long, but in recent months, I have felt myself tiring of the routine. I've found that the energy required of me to teach seems greater. The mental diligence needed to teach four different classes in a row seems more challenging. The material that I must know inside and out seems more difficult to master some days. In short, I'm on a road to burnout that I'm trying to exit.
Thankfully, in teaching, there's always another "day one." There's always another "first day" to start with clean sheets of note paper and new rosters. It is like renewing a habit you want to continue. My new "first day" was last week, and it went well. In fact, the first few days went well.
Whenever I feel uneasy or sad about teaching, I think of a phoenix. By the end of each semester, I am the burned out mass of feathers, much like the phoenix Fawkes when Harry Potter first encounters Dumbledore's mythical bird at Hogwart's. But by the next term, I renew and resurrect for another cycle. I wish the burning didn't have to happen again, but at least I can trust in the time to put myself back together and live on.
Thankfully, I get to live as a teacher with some really great people. I also have fun, wise, and usually sensible students. Through much time and experience, I've learned how to troubleshoot and problem solve to make my courses stronger. I plan and I check off the days and I get through classes.... over and over again. With each new semester, I breathe and aim to focus on the present of each class and student. I don't always succeed, but I try, over and over. A phoenix always gets another chance.
Seventeen years really isn't very long, but in recent months, I have felt myself tiring of the routine. I've found that the energy required of me to teach seems greater. The mental diligence needed to teach four different classes in a row seems more challenging. The material that I must know inside and out seems more difficult to master some days. In short, I'm on a road to burnout that I'm trying to exit.
Thankfully, in teaching, there's always another "day one." There's always another "first day" to start with clean sheets of note paper and new rosters. It is like renewing a habit you want to continue. My new "first day" was last week, and it went well. In fact, the first few days went well.
Whenever I feel uneasy or sad about teaching, I think of a phoenix. By the end of each semester, I am the burned out mass of feathers, much like the phoenix Fawkes when Harry Potter first encounters Dumbledore's mythical bird at Hogwart's. But by the next term, I renew and resurrect for another cycle. I wish the burning didn't have to happen again, but at least I can trust in the time to put myself back together and live on.
Thankfully, I get to live as a teacher with some really great people. I also have fun, wise, and usually sensible students. Through much time and experience, I've learned how to troubleshoot and problem solve to make my courses stronger. I plan and I check off the days and I get through classes.... over and over again. With each new semester, I breathe and aim to focus on the present of each class and student. I don't always succeed, but I try, over and over. A phoenix always gets another chance.
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