When I was 17, still unable to vote, my mind was lit on fire by the Clinton-Gore campaign. In my senior-year government class, all our discussion revolved around the 1992 election. Growing up in Republican rural Kansas, I had never even considered another side to the issues. My classmates were solidly pro-Bush (the first). While I was already committed to being as socially conscious as possible at that time, in that place, I was suddenly opened up to a new way of political thinking with the help of this young, energetic ticket.
It was Hillary who really formed my impressions. I will never forget the morning I was getting ready for school, and all the Today show chatter was about her Tammy Wynette "not gonna just stand by my man" comment in a 60 Minutes interview.
Standin’ by My Man Like Tammy Wynette - YouTube
Sure, it was news fluff in some ways, but for my young, idealistic, female, Sassy-reading self, it was an exciting revelation about how all women could be strong and independent as well as supportive and direct. With her hairbands and intensity, she was my new shero, and I followed the campaign closely. Naturally, America hated her for it. How dare she?!?! it screeched.
After yesterday's election, little to nothing has changed. My intense hope yesterday morning collapsed into despair on Tuesday night. Rampant misogyny and gullibility combined to smear our map red, despite the popular vote indicating an HRC win. Our home began to feel like we were hosting a wake for our country.
Today, I've kept scheduled appointments, but I've spent the rest of the time in bed, sleeping or simply sad but calm after the grim results. I haven't even wanted to text friends -- I'd rather see their faces. I can't even find the hope and motivation my husband has right now to do more work in the community. I am just not there yet.
My votes in the past have never been anti-Obama, anti-Bernie, or even simply anti-Trump. They've always been pro-Hillary. I've believed in her for over 25 years of my life, and to see her denied this office, this role, this opportunity -- it is crushing beyond belief. I simply wasn't prepared for this outcome. I was never fully confident, but I was .... well, I was ready for her to get her due.
Obviously, that didn't happen.
Today has been a fog. I mused that we were in the Upside Down, ala Stranger Things. I have taken some pills. I have slept for hours. It is like shock and grief, and I am not to full capacity yet. It might even take me a few days, a week, to regain my sense of where I am and how this happened.
I blame myself for not working harder, volunteering more, calling more, committing to more outreach. I blame Trump supporters, I blame third/fourth-party voters, I blame so much. But none of these are truths. And none of that matters. We got what we got.
But here's the thing: I'm not stopping. If anything, I'm going to do more, fight more, read more, write more, and be more in my community. I will keep as my central word hospitality. I will commit even more time to volunteer work and leadership. I have much to offer, and I've held back too much for too long. I need to attend meetings, rallies..... all the things I seem to skip because I'm too tired or doing something else. I can't sit out. No longer.
The country might need me even more now, so no more standing by, just watching the wreck.
And just like Hillary, I'm not some little woman who is gonna stand by this man.
Let's go, world.
