Another new year, another list

It is another new year's day.  I used to dislike this holiday when I was young -- the post-Christmas fatigue, the sense of winter truly setting on, the true end of the holiday break. As an adult I have grown to appreciate this day as one to reset my practices and reclaim my space.

Of course, that means that I also start to create the endless list of resolutions.  This happens almost unconsciously for me. I start to assemble the all-encompassing list of "everything I must do right now in order to be better/thinner/happier/smarter/more productive/less anxious/healthier/etc/etc."  I try to start small each year -- I will just have three -- no, five -- no, I should have a top ten. Yes, that's it.  A nice memorable dozen. Ok, wait -- I mean, 20.  And from that point on, I have failed by January 2.

Last year, I started this blog, and I actually kept up with it for a month or so.  I aimed to write 30 minutes a day and post it here.  This year, as you can see, I start again, examining the entries from last year with a sense of time traveling.  I punish myself a bit -- I mean, how hard is 30 minutes?!

I know that many of us do this to ourselves in January.  We develop that gung-ho list of tasks and things that will reconstruct ourselves into our what we assume could be our *best* selves. Such desire for self-renewal is commendable, but it also obliterates what could be a peaceful, still moment at a starting line of a new year. 1.1.  Maybe we just need to hang out at the beginning and rest before the starter pistol sounds. Maybe, just maybe, we shouldn't even run the stupid race.

My list, right now, has already accumulated the following desires:
1) Work out regularly (of course. that's a gimme)
2) Be attentive to eating well and clean (again, of course.)
3) Write every day, even if a blog
4) See all the movies, watch all the TV, read all the books (this could take up a list of its own)
5) Focus on friends and family instead of people who don't matter
6) Breathe more during the day
7) Pray more
8) Don't let work control you
9) Cook more
10) Take voice lessons
11) Take improv classes
12) Don't get exhausted from all the things you are going to do to *be better*!!

And so on, and so on.....

I recognize that while these are all good pursuits, they just make life another "to do" list.  One more thing to "get through" to be the person I should... or, I mean,.... want to be. Right?

So it's already a failure.  When new year's day still sees me in PJs by 2:00 p.m., then I know that what is really, truly my desire is a long way from hitting this list.

So here's what I will do with that list above: just shove it up to the universe and let the spirit do with it what it will. I'm eager to stop treating each year as a "to-do" list of what I lack. Maybe this is the year to just embrace what I already have.